There is a surprisingly effective way to damage a meaningful conversation. It does not involve shouting, blaming, or insulting anyone. Instead, it often appears in the form of help: unsolicited advice.
A person begins describing a difficult experience, and we respond with “You should…” or “Why don’t you just…?” Our intentions may be good, but the other person can quickly feel misunderstood.
I have made this mistake myself. One morning, I returned from a walk ready to tell my wife about a personal problem. I did not expect her to fix it. I simply wanted to share what I had realised. Before I had finished, however, she began to offer a solution.
Her suggestion was reasonable, but it was not what I needed at that moment. I wanted understanding rather than instructions. The experience also made me recognise how many times I had probably done the same thing to her.
The Gift of Feeling Understood
Few experiences are as powerful as feeling that another person truly understands us. It confirms that our thoughts and emotions matter. This feeling begins with listening.
During more than four decades of working with individuals, families, and leaders, I have seen people face ordinary challenges, workplace conflict, serious uncertainty, and traumatic loss. Again and again, careful listening has proved to be central to trust and support.
When people feel understood, they are more likely to speak honestly. Relationships can become stronger because neither person has to defend, explain, or hide what they are feeling.
Listening Is a Practice, Not a Performance
Most of us believe that we are good listeners. In reality, listening requires restraint. We have to quiet the part of ourselves that wants to interrupt, judge, compare experiences, or produce quick-fix solutions.
A good listener creates a safe space. The speaker does not feel analysed, managed, or pushed towards a particular decision. The listener does not immediately say, “Yes, but…” or take control of the conversation by introducing a similar personal story.
Instead, they remain curious. They may ask:
“How did you feel when that happened?”
“What do you think you need right now?”
Questions like these do not force the speaker towards an answer. They allow the conversation to develop at the speaker’s pace.
When “Helping” Hurts
The wish to give advice usually comes from a sincere place. When we see someone struggling, we naturally want to lessen their pain.
However, our reaction may also come from our own discomfort. Watching another person suffer can make us feel helpless. Offering advice gives us something active to do, even when the other person has not asked us to do anything.
In such moments, we should consider whose needs our help is actually meeting.
Healing does not always come from fixing a problem. Sometimes it begins when another person is willing to remain present in sadness, fear, or confusion. We may want to remove the pain, soften the blow, or make the situation appear more manageable. Yet the more helpful response may be to accept that some experiences cannot be quickly repaired.
The Wisdom to Know the Difference
There are, of course, situations in which advice is appropriate. A person may genuinely want guidance, information, or another perspective.
The difficulty is knowing when that moment has arrived. The answer is simple: ask.
“Are you open to hearing a suggestion?”
When the answer is no, we should honor the other person’s boundaries. We do not need to push, become offended, or persuade them that our advice is valuable.
The next time you feel the urge to fix another person’s problem, pause. They may not need a strategy, an opinion, or an intervention. They may simply need someone who is prepared to listen.
